glorious paradox.

I went for a bike ride this afternoon after a very hard day in my life. You see today my beliefs and my visual reality did not line up. I believe that I serve a good God and wake up everyday because I want to breathe the air the trees give me and soak in rays of hope that I tend to cling to. Today instead I woke up not looking at the good but focusing on a lot of the bad- like innocent people dying and not so innocent people stealing life-and as I smoked a quarter of a cigarette that I pulled out of the garbage after breaking it apart and putting it there I realized that I didn't have the answer. That's the part that hurts. I looked at my friend through a pair of sunglasses and mascara streaked cheeks and told him "I let myself fall in love and theres no turning back but its the stark contrast between how beautiful Jesus is and how horrible this world can be that trips me up." Later, on this bike ride ironically smoking a tiny cigarette until it burned my lips I listened to Jon Foreman's song, "The cure for pain" and he sings "oh my Lord to suffer like you do, it would be a lie to run away." The truth is this world is hard, damn hard if you will, but the truth also is Jesus suffered for that and it would be a lie for me to run away. I've tried to find a cure for the pain- I've tried sex, drugs and rock and roll; I've tried religion, scruples and social justice but the only cure is Jesus. As I rounded a corner on the bike path Jesus asked me, "what if the answer to all your questions is inside of you?" "What if its me inside of you." I crinkled my forehead as a new reality hit me: Jesus is- I've seen Him, felt Him, watched Him create, tear down, save and set free and no matter what this remains along side all of those unanswered questions this remains.

quitting quitting.

Yesterday I walked into the internship ready to face the day and walked right out the doors ready to quit the day, quit the week, quit my life. As I walked out the door one of the girls working there says to me "I need you not to quit..."

You see quitting is my default. Running is my method. Its a coping mechanism that works for about a day or two, until reality hits me that maintenance of such a regime is impossible. I walked out the door thinking about this. How I run when things get hard and never wait for them to get "good". Its like I start a million races and never bother to get to the finish line and so I view my life like a million unfinished races and wonder why it sucks. I've had some legitimately sucky parts of my life but I've had some legitimately awesome parts too and as I cling to my life source- Jesus- perhaps the awesome parts will begin to outway the sucky. I'm waiting for this and seeing glimpses everyday. I want my new default to be grace and strength. I wrote this one evening when I wanted to pack it all in;

"Dear you,

This is your future self.
If you are reading this be strong.
You are going to make it through this.
On the otherside is freedom.
On the other side you arn't afraid anymore.
There will be people here who will need your smiling face.
Don't run.
Press on.
I need you
Because where I am life is worth it.
Where I am life isn't perfect
But where I am grace abounds.
Hold on past self,
Hold on because you don't want to miss this..."

the newness of summer.

In Canada everything is new in the summer. Every week there is something that is coming alive, dying, changing. This is reflected in my life too. One day I was planning on fleeing the country in the fall and the next I'm planted in an internship at my church. My whole life took a 180 degree turn toward my destiny and it is all so exciting and scary. I will use this blog for its old purposes- to jot down my thoughts- but also as a way of keeping you informed on my life and the crazy and wacky ways God is moving it, loving on it and breathing life into it. My pastor looked at me once and said "if God called you to live in a tent in the middle of India you would probably want to do that more than stay in one place...maybe this is the adventure God is calling you too" and he was right. Now God is giving this vagabond girl who has moved 24 times in her life the faith to fly where shes at.

Let me tell you about a not so little thing called Hope.
Hope is not a feeling.
Hope is not any one experience
Or a predisposition.
It is not a conjuring up of emotion or a recognition
Of consistency.
It is flesh and blood,
Bone and marrow.
He has a name, a heart beat,
A meaning for everyone.
Hope has arms and hands
And will never let you go.
So don't go through your life looking
For Hope
For Hope has already found you.
And in one gasp Hope became a part
Of you.
And you WILL go from glory to glory
Because everyday Hope
Looks you in the eyes and says
We can do this...

Something new...

I'm trying something new.  Trusting the Lord. I'm on this great adventure of finding roots in Him no matter what. Because no matter what He is all that remains. I cannot let the world around me dictate who I am because I am perfect in heaven, I am healed and whole and this is what I will let dictate to me.