A new what?

So today...

I decided to watch a movie. A movie that I watched whenever I had moments of insomnia. I struggled with insomnia for years. It was pretty bad. I would be awake for days and I would watch this one movie. Nothing serious, just a cute chick flick that would entertain me every time and some how lull me.

So today I'm watching it for the first time since that time in my life so many years ago and I'm realizing I'm not there anymore.

But if thats the case, where am I.

What am I doing with this love that I've found in Christ. I'm not where I used to be but essentially I'm still staying up all night watching this movie.

When is the right time to give up. Does there come a point ever that life becomes such redundant pointlessness that there is so point. To look at life from this vantage of brutal self-awareness is dangerous yet a little liberating. It can either cause you to quit or to re-evaluate your life. What am I doing wrong?

When self-awareness leads to change it becomes a good thing, when self-awareness leads to crises where reality is more brutal that your ability to change it you default to hope.

Good thing hope is inexhaustible.

is it so deep...

She woke suddenly to realize she had fallen. The difference this time is that darkness surrounded her and there seemed to be no way out of the place she had stumbled into. She look up her pupils dilated and eyes wide. Her breath would have shown had there been any light to bounce off the water. And her heart- not her mouth- cried out, "this pain is too deep, but Lord be deeper still."

To be continued...

HOPE

I really want to hash out this concept of Hope. I've written about it before, contemplated it but I've never really grasped it. I think that somewhere in Hope there is this intense longing, this unsatisfied state of being that gnaws at your insides. If thats the case than I've never felt more Hope in all my life.

A not so lost love.

She passed by Him in this crazy rage, one that she felt would draw Him to her and repel Him at the same time- the result would show the intent. And there He stood with his eyes holding her gaze still and she looked at him in quiet curiosity. "Who is this man?" she thought, who never lets her go despite her wandering heart and insecure attempts at reciprocating love. There was this little part inside of her that didn't believe He would be enough yet an even stronger part of her that knew that all others were most definitely not. Which would win out in the end was already decided for her a couple of thousand years ago but only she could lay hold of it. She backed away slowly holding Hi gaze, begging Him to come down to her level so that she could feel human hands on her life until she realized that He already had.

There comes a point

where you have to let go of everything you have ever known and let God be who He is. To look at the sky and enjoy it, to have a little fun in the day and little rest at night. To let go of your past and jump into your present for there is where you will find freedom in Divine content, 'cause hate to break it to myself life will not get better until life gets fuller. More full of His presence, more full of His grace, more full of His joy. Live your life with outsourced joy and you will look inside the cavity of your soul and find nothing because that which is sourced from the outside finds its way through the sieves of your heart. Search for that which is tangible in God and it will never seep through but remain eternally.

glorious paradox.

I went for a bike ride this afternoon after a very hard day in my life. You see today my beliefs and my visual reality did not line up. I believe that I serve a good God and wake up everyday because I want to breathe the air the trees give me and soak in rays of hope that I tend to cling to. Today instead I woke up not looking at the good but focusing on a lot of the bad- like innocent people dying and not so innocent people stealing life-and as I smoked a quarter of a cigarette that I pulled out of the garbage after breaking it apart and putting it there I realized that I didn't have the answer. That's the part that hurts. I looked at my friend through a pair of sunglasses and mascara streaked cheeks and told him "I let myself fall in love and theres no turning back but its the stark contrast between how beautiful Jesus is and how horrible this world can be that trips me up." Later, on this bike ride ironically smoking a tiny cigarette until it burned my lips I listened to Jon Foreman's song, "The cure for pain" and he sings "oh my Lord to suffer like you do, it would be a lie to run away." The truth is this world is hard, damn hard if you will, but the truth also is Jesus suffered for that and it would be a lie for me to run away. I've tried to find a cure for the pain- I've tried sex, drugs and rock and roll; I've tried religion, scruples and social justice but the only cure is Jesus. As I rounded a corner on the bike path Jesus asked me, "what if the answer to all your questions is inside of you?" "What if its me inside of you." I crinkled my forehead as a new reality hit me: Jesus is- I've seen Him, felt Him, watched Him create, tear down, save and set free and no matter what this remains along side all of those unanswered questions this remains.

quitting quitting.

Yesterday I walked into the internship ready to face the day and walked right out the doors ready to quit the day, quit the week, quit my life. As I walked out the door one of the girls working there says to me "I need you not to quit..."

You see quitting is my default. Running is my method. Its a coping mechanism that works for about a day or two, until reality hits me that maintenance of such a regime is impossible. I walked out the door thinking about this. How I run when things get hard and never wait for them to get "good". Its like I start a million races and never bother to get to the finish line and so I view my life like a million unfinished races and wonder why it sucks. I've had some legitimately sucky parts of my life but I've had some legitimately awesome parts too and as I cling to my life source- Jesus- perhaps the awesome parts will begin to outway the sucky. I'm waiting for this and seeing glimpses everyday. I want my new default to be grace and strength. I wrote this one evening when I wanted to pack it all in;

"Dear you,

This is your future self.
If you are reading this be strong.
You are going to make it through this.
On the otherside is freedom.
On the other side you arn't afraid anymore.
There will be people here who will need your smiling face.
Don't run.
Press on.
I need you
Because where I am life is worth it.
Where I am life isn't perfect
But where I am grace abounds.
Hold on past self,
Hold on because you don't want to miss this..."

the newness of summer.

In Canada everything is new in the summer. Every week there is something that is coming alive, dying, changing. This is reflected in my life too. One day I was planning on fleeing the country in the fall and the next I'm planted in an internship at my church. My whole life took a 180 degree turn toward my destiny and it is all so exciting and scary. I will use this blog for its old purposes- to jot down my thoughts- but also as a way of keeping you informed on my life and the crazy and wacky ways God is moving it, loving on it and breathing life into it. My pastor looked at me once and said "if God called you to live in a tent in the middle of India you would probably want to do that more than stay in one place...maybe this is the adventure God is calling you too" and he was right. Now God is giving this vagabond girl who has moved 24 times in her life the faith to fly where shes at.

Let me tell you about a not so little thing called Hope.
Hope is not a feeling.
Hope is not any one experience
Or a predisposition.
It is not a conjuring up of emotion or a recognition
Of consistency.
It is flesh and blood,
Bone and marrow.
He has a name, a heart beat,
A meaning for everyone.
Hope has arms and hands
And will never let you go.
So don't go through your life looking
For Hope
For Hope has already found you.
And in one gasp Hope became a part
Of you.
And you WILL go from glory to glory
Because everyday Hope
Looks you in the eyes and says
We can do this...

Something new...

I'm trying something new.  Trusting the Lord. I'm on this great adventure of finding roots in Him no matter what. Because no matter what He is all that remains. I cannot let the world around me dictate who I am because I am perfect in heaven, I am healed and whole and this is what I will let dictate to me.

life.

I want to celebrate life today. How everyday of our lives we are given the option to choose life. Life.

Mediocrity almost killed me.

Drastic consequence of subtle lies.

On a monday night...

I felt his hand on my arm.  As he spun me around to face him I could almost hear his heart beating. His eyes were desperately searching mine pulling me in, answering my questions. I could barely hold the tears that threatened to disclose me back. I didn't want him to know that I needed him. I didn't want him to figure me out because then he could get so close there would be no turning back. He could get so close that my walls would crumble and there would be nothing left of the barricade that I had spent so many years putting up. But there he was staring into my eyes with his begging me to see him for who he really is. Tears started to roll down his cheeks as he lifted his hands in defeat. "Please, see me. See me! I just want to love you- no strings attached." "I'm not like those other guys, I'm not your mom, I'm not your dad." "Please, just look at me for who I really am! I am all things good, I am love...."

The tears built up until the rims of his eyes could contain them no more and they streamed down his face in cascades but he still didn't turn his back. The pain could be felt in the room but he still didn't turn his back. The agony in his face clenched his fists and contorted his face but he still didn't turn his back. I walked away but he still didn't turn his back.

Moments later I came back to him and looked deep into his eyes tears of pain now in my own and with my head cocked in a sort of confused confliction I asked, "is it true then...that you are who you say you are?"

Its amazing how incredibly vulnerable you become when you trust God with everything- not that I'm there yet but the more trust I give God the more vulnerable I realize I become. I have to lay it all on the line and say "Jesus I trust you, even if the outcome doesn't come".

California Dreaming...

I am in one of the most beautiful places I have ever been. God made it- wow. Think about it God made beauty - what does that say about God.

there is a love

that finds its way into all of the cracks and crevasses of your heart. It pulls out all of the weeds and leaves you feeling like a fresh summers day. It winds down the path of your memories and offers the perfect eraser. There is nothing you can do to hide from this love and everything you can do to open your heart to it. It wont leave you searching on a rainy day and wont leaving you aching when others go their way. It is a powerful, magical kind of love that is not a noun or a verb but an all majestic being and a force in itself. I will spend my life prying the bars off my heart in order to receive more of this binding and loosing love that comes only from heaven.

Dream a little dream of me...

Its okay to dream. Its okay to dream that one day you will feel better. That the pain will subside. Its okay because the truth is one day it will. Hold on to that dream it is a dream that is possible because Jesus assured us of this when He cried out "it is finished".

Its so close- its right at His finger tips.

sometimes the best things are at first the most scary.

 Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an  inexpressible and glorious joy,  for you are receiving the end result of your faith, the salvation of your souls. 1 Peter 1:8-9

"Dear God,
Please help me to find joy in the little things so that I can make it through the big things.
Love Andy"

an added dimension to love.

When I was younger my grandfather took my on a bike ride through the country. He stopped me dead in my tracks and pointed at a bird that was singing- neck stretched out warbling into the sky.

We stared and listened for a very long time untill he slowly turned around still resting on his bike and said to me, "Andrea the birds didn't have to sing beautifully like that, God could have given them other methods to communicate with each other but He chose for them to sound beautiful because He loves us and wants us to enjoy life a little more every day as we are blessed by their song..."

"and I realized this is what love is supposed to feel like"

I tend to fear. ALOT. I fear that I will spend my days in fear. I feel like if I make one wrong move my heart will dislodge from my life source (Jesus). But as the song below says "and I often worried if I let you go one of us would die..and I realized that's what love is supposed to feel like".

No more fear.

Now I just run full speed into life understanding that I'm falling in love with my creator and letting Him love me might be a bit scary but I don't mind anymore because perfect love casts out all fear...

This is me some days. My exterior displays that I am salt but really I am pepper on the inside- don't read into it too much its only that most of the time I never display my true self and that seems like a shame. God made me exactly the way He wanted to- who am I to fight it? Besides where would life be without pepper and salt- pretty mono-tasted, if you will. Lets start a revolution where we all be true to our natures and see where God can take us. Our personality is not our flaw it is the tool with which God will love into His divine will.

how to eat an elephant...

Today I shovelled the drive way. It was four inches thick and it rained buckets the entire time. For some reason this drive way represented everything I had ever struggled with, all the mountains I tried to climb but seemingly failed.
I remember what a wise man once asked me, "Andrea, how do you eat an elephant?" his reply, "one bite at a time."
With every scoop and heave of snow I heard in my head "how do you eat an elephant, one bite at a time; how do you eat an elephant, one bite at a time...."

Eventually I finished the driveway. It took me two hours and one large toll on my back but I felt like I had accomplished something great- the realization that little bit after little bit I can get through anything. Its strange how God requires nothing but faith from us but sometimes its like trying to eat an elephant. Accepting that Christ died for me once and for all- for every sin (even today's, even tomorows') sometimes takes the same effort as eating an elephant. Bit by bit truth is consumed until you have consumed the whole thing and have accomplished something great- that is- the realization of Christ's unconditional love for me that is without effort to receive and completely free.

my heart.

Its been breaking lately, my heart. I see all the pain in the world and I wish I could just blink, or wiggle my nose and make it all go away. The most frustrating part is that I know Jesus is the answer but my own humanity gets in the way of presenting the truth of that. I suppose the only thing I can do are the only things I can do. I am competely limited and limitless when it comes to saving the world. I don't think Mother Theresa woke up each morning and decided not to hug an orphans pain away because she felt trapped in the skin of her own human limitations- she just did it. She did what she could and it changed a whole nation.

No more sweaters?

Its warm today. Ya know I don't believe for a second that this world is merely spinning. Its far to complex for something so simple as spinning. That is all.

Julia

I was babysitting on Sunday night and a little girl named Julia built a fort, hid inside for most of the night and emerged at the end with two pictures of a butterfly and a heart. She gave them to me.

Today I feel like doing that. Hiding away in my fort of a heart and emerging with crayon-coloured picture for God. Sometimes I feel so inadaquate. Its like im in a relationship with a guy way out of my league and I'm constantly thinking about it. I'm glad that this God way out of my league had a son so that I could in my inability to measure up be seen as beautiful in His eyes. In reality I am the picture of the heart and the butterfly and Jesus the little girl who went into the dark place so that when she came out I could be presented to God a beautiful and acceptable gift to a father who is everything love is.

Trying to be inspired...

I was thinking to myself the other day-while walking in the pictures below-

that we focus so much on the bad in life. "God, why!?" springs from the bellies of most of us on most days. 

I find myself lately like a young girl in love, however, and it makes everything butterflies and rainbows and I'm okay with that.

I'm okay with going through my life, not ignorant of the horrible things in this world but thankful for the beautiful and as a result

wishing for that beauty to permeate the lives of those who are either unaware or cut off from it because of one reason or another.

It seems to me that we can focus on all the perverbial "crap" and try to fight a battle lost at the bite of an apple or we can recognize

that there is a hope and a beauty existant in this world and let it spread like a beautiful plague- a sicknesss that gives us

not rose coloured glasses but new sockets that point our eyes towards the heavens.

nostalgia

This song brings back a bit of nostalia. Those summer days where you opened the windows and the breeze was still warm. With barefeet out the window you played this song as loud as you could and watched the speedometer needle rise. Sometimes nostalia does nothing much but bring you down, other times it inspires you to live life to the fullest like you did in those moments.

Too many times I've perceived from my eyes...

When you're tired of life and bored of your situation look into a mirror. Not a mirror of your own. Christ gives us a mirror. He is standing there holding it, waiting for us to look; to look and see that we are spotless, pure, beautiful, welcomed, lovely, His.

"I know more than I knew before..."

There comes a point in your life-and some people experiance is far later than others- where you have experianced so much (crap to some wrinkle-making experiances to others) that you realize you can't go back. I'm moving forward and part of the joy of this is that I have to do it with God. I've done it without him for much too long. I've had a tiny glimpse of his love. Its all fireworks from here.

"I didn't ask to be born..."

Some days I wonder why I was put on this planet-why the winds of life blow through my dirty hair but then I
picture God up in heaven tugging at his hair and furrowing his brow and sadly saying that He asked me to be
born and He put the trees in the woods and the birds and the sky just for me.

today I did....nothing.

So far today I have done nothing. I'm still wearing my pjs and wondering what I should eat for breakfast, which is slowly turning into lunch.