Yesterday I walked into the internship ready to face the day and walked right out the doors ready to quit the day, quit the week, quit my life. As I walked out the door one of the girls working there says to me "I need you not to quit..."
You see quitting is my default. Running is my method. Its a coping mechanism that works for about a day or two, until reality hits me that maintenance of such a regime is impossible. I walked out the door thinking about this. How I run when things get hard and never wait for them to get "good". Its like I start a million races and never bother to get to the finish line and so I view my life like a million unfinished races and wonder why it sucks. I've had some legitimately sucky parts of my life but I've had some legitimately awesome parts too and as I cling to my life source- Jesus- perhaps the awesome parts will begin to outway the sucky. I'm waiting for this and seeing glimpses everyday. I want my new default to be grace and strength. I wrote this one evening when I wanted to pack it all in;
"Dear you,
This is your future self.
If you are reading this be strong.
You are going to make it through this.
On the otherside is freedom.
On the other side you arn't afraid anymore.
There will be people here who will need your smiling face.
Don't run.
Press on.
I need you
Because where I am life is worth it.
Where I am life isn't perfect
But where I am grace abounds.
Hold on past self,
Hold on because you don't want to miss this..."
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