glorious paradox.

I went for a bike ride this afternoon after a very hard day in my life. You see today my beliefs and my visual reality did not line up. I believe that I serve a good God and wake up everyday because I want to breathe the air the trees give me and soak in rays of hope that I tend to cling to. Today instead I woke up not looking at the good but focusing on a lot of the bad- like innocent people dying and not so innocent people stealing life-and as I smoked a quarter of a cigarette that I pulled out of the garbage after breaking it apart and putting it there I realized that I didn't have the answer. That's the part that hurts. I looked at my friend through a pair of sunglasses and mascara streaked cheeks and told him "I let myself fall in love and theres no turning back but its the stark contrast between how beautiful Jesus is and how horrible this world can be that trips me up." Later, on this bike ride ironically smoking a tiny cigarette until it burned my lips I listened to Jon Foreman's song, "The cure for pain" and he sings "oh my Lord to suffer like you do, it would be a lie to run away." The truth is this world is hard, damn hard if you will, but the truth also is Jesus suffered for that and it would be a lie for me to run away. I've tried to find a cure for the pain- I've tried sex, drugs and rock and roll; I've tried religion, scruples and social justice but the only cure is Jesus. As I rounded a corner on the bike path Jesus asked me, "what if the answer to all your questions is inside of you?" "What if its me inside of you." I crinkled my forehead as a new reality hit me: Jesus is- I've seen Him, felt Him, watched Him create, tear down, save and set free and no matter what this remains along side all of those unanswered questions this remains.